A Letter To My 18 Year Old Pregnant Self

Dear 18 year old pregnant self,
This is your 22 year old pregnant self. Crazy, right? I just need to tell you 1 or 2 or 20 things. I know that you want a girl as your first child. You've always wanted it. You can feel that's what you're having. But you're not having a girl.

And that's not going to be what flips your world and all of your plans upside down. Your precious boy is going to be born with a disability. And not any typical disability that you're familiar with or have even heard of. Your son is going to be born without arms or legs. 

BUT DONT FREAK OUT! I already know you'll freak out, because I am you and I know it's scary, but please know everything is going to be okay. I know you're going to consider abortion because you can't imagine your child living like that, I know you're going to make the appointment, and I know you're going to wait until the last day to decide that you're a selfish person and want your baby anyways despite what the doctors and some "friends and family" have said. You're going to be okay though. And he is going to be okay too. And ohhhh that sweet peace you will feel once you decide you are going to keep that boy of yours. 

He is three now and is one of the most amazing people we know. He can do so many of the things we told ourself he wouldn't ever be able to do. I know that you think this life is going to be hard, and some of it is, but it's not as hard as you think. He will become your normal and you will learn that his two year old sister, yes you will have 2 children 13 months apart and yes that means you'll have three children 3 and younger, is a lot harder to parent than he is. I know you don't believe me, but your daughter is a wild crazy child and will leave you speechless 85% of the time. 

I also want to you listen to me right now when I tell you not to listen to that awful man who told you that no one will ever truly love you or want to be with you because you have a disabled child. "No one in their right mind would take on that responsibility.", he said. But I know you won't listen to me. And don't listen to him when he tells you no one will ever truly love you or want to be with you because you have a disabled 1 year old AND a newborn. But I know you won't listen to me. And don't listen to him when he tells you that you're too damaged to ever find someone to love you.

And this time you listen. God sends you a man you would've never thought would be the one He would send. He goes to church and bible study 3-4 times a week. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He has the sweetest kindest soul that you can see through his eyes without having to know him at all. He will love you despite all of the reasons you were told why no one would ever love you. He will even love your children. He will spend love, time, and money on them that he doesn't have to and was never asked to spend.

He will start putting payments on a ring to ask you to marry him. Then you will find out that you're pregnant with his child. And for once, you are so so so very happy and have no doubts. Then you'll turn into a big pregnant turd and he will still love you. He will rub your growing belly. He will bring you home your cravings after he gets off work. He will tell you that you're beautiful, even if you haven't washed your hair in three days or shaved your legs in a month. He will go to all of your ultrasound appointments because he knows how nervous they make you. He will love everything great about you and everything bad about you. All those times you wondered if God was listening and what did God do? He gave you exactly what you needed. Every.single.time. Because He loves you.

So, 18 year old pregnant self, your life is going to be hard. But God is still going to continue loving you and blessing you so much more than you deserve. Sometimes you're going to want to give up, but you're going to end up exactly where you are needed. You're going to feel unloved, and God is going to bless you with the four greatest and sweetest loves you will ever know. Then you're going to feel a burden in your heart to share your love and blessings with whoever is willing to listen or read, in hopes that it will help them too. 18 year old pregnant self, you're going to be okay and you will learn that with time.



Photo credit: Tiffany Christie Photography

Comments

  1. Beautiful. I remember reading your posts on BBC and prayed for you. I am so happy for your happy ending.

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  2. I absolutely love this! This is a great blog for any mother to read! You did amazing things at 18 and still are today! Keep it up Mama!

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  3. Wow you are amazing person. God is good!

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